We left off in the last post with the issues that come with masking: denying your wants, needs or expectations in favour of “doing kink right”. Not speaking up when something is uncomfortable in case you upset someone else. Putting up with the wrong kind of sensation because you don’t want to say “this doesn’t feel right”.

But the only “right” way of doing kink is doing it in a way that honours your nervous system. Knowing yourself, including your nervous system, your communication needs and how you mask, can be a way of building a sustainable kink practice that works for you and the people you play with.

Step 1: Know Yourself

Previously, I did a series on mapping your nervous system in a scene. Knowing your nervous system is important for everyone, but even more important for those of us with divergent nervous systems. If you haven’t already, I recommend completing the exercise here. In the near future, I will do another series on sensory systems, and this is another must for neurodivergent folx.

These exercises will help you to map and understand your own nervous system including sensations you seek and avoid, as well as your hypo and hypersensitivities.

Beyond that, it’s also important to understand your known triggers. Those of us with hypersensitivities are more likely to have sensory triggers and to find them overwhelming.

Personally, I am triggered by the smell of alcohol on someone’s breath once it’s been metabolised (say, 20 minutes after they’ve had a drink). This is because of my own hypersensitive sense of smell, and also changes during my menstrual cycle – I am much more sensitive to smells during ovulation.

I used to put up with being uncomfortable in play events where people were drinking, and would drink even though I didn’t want to, because when the smell was on my own breath, I couldn’t smell it on others’.

A huge part of unmasking for me was becoming comfortable telling people that I don’t want to kiss them or play with them if they’ve had a drink, and become comfortable having fewer scenes as a result. The scenes I do have are much more authentic and enjoyable for me, because I’m not putting up with discomfort to have them.

Other things to recognise include your early warning signs before a meltdown or shutdown – and what you need in that moment. Sticking headphones, a stuffed toy, a fidget or even a weighted blanket in an aftercare/first-aid bag to take to an event can not only save you when you need it, but can also be the emotional weighted blanket you need – a gentle reassurance that if you get overwhelmed, you have some things that will help.

Working out what you need in a scene isn’t always as simple as doing an exercise in a workbook. Often, we know what we don’t want, but not what we need.

And that’s okay.

Start with what you do know, and work from there. Take it slowly, be kind with yourself, and, if you’re lucky enough to have supportive kinksters around you, do the journey with them.

Step 2: Communicate That Self

How we communicate is as individual as our sensory profiles, but there are a few things that should be in every scene, whatever that looks like for you: negotiations; safe words; aftercare.

If you’re at an event that doesn’t have these as standard, it’s not the right event for you.

Now, these things look different at a public event compared to a private scene with an established long-term partner. But they should always be there in some capacity.

Negotiations

Negotiations allow you to share how you’re feeling, what you have capacity for, what you want to experience – and to listen to your partner’s feelings, capacity and desires too.

This is especially important for neurodivergent folx whose body language and facial expression might be harder to read.

Before a negotiation, think about how you communicate best in this kink, with this person:

·       Do you need lots of questions? Or none?

·       Do you need eye contact? Or is that uncomfortable?

·       Do you go non-verbal, and if so, what does that mean for you?

I go non-verbal in rope almost immediately – which is a sign I’m deep in a rope head-space and generally blissed out. Outside of rope, if I’m non-verbal, I can use my body to communicate – squeeze a hand, use a pre-agreed hand-signal. But those often aren’t available in rope, so me going non-verbal can be a risk, and therefore something to consider carefully. I now ask my rigger to tie from in front of me, so I can communicate with eye contact and facial expressions. If they’re behind me, I ask them to put their hand in mine for a few seconds every couple of minutes, so I can squeeze it if I need to.

I’m not going to lie, communicating this explicitly about my needs was uncomfortable at first. It’s something I had never learned how to do. But it is so liberating when people care, and listen, and we have an incredible scene as a result.

On top of discussing the scene in a negotiation, you can also discuss the aftercare. What do you need to come down afterwards? Lots of cuddles or no touch? Dark chocolate or bland foods? And, most importantly, what will aftercare look like if you get triggered? If there’s a meltdown or shutdown?

Safe Words

Think of safe words as a way of bypassing your desire to mask. A word, a hand signal, a squeeze that says “I need a break” or “stop”.

But sometimes, safe words can be too much. When we’re triggered, we may have a freeze response or a fawn response.

There are two things we can do about this, and they both start from self-awareness. When we know how we behave when we’re triggered, we can work on that.

1.      Firstly, we can practice behaving differently in lower-stake situations. Do scenes in which the purpose is to say “that’s too much” or “amber” or “I need a break”. Practice dissenting and denying so that when you need to, it comes a little easier.

2.      And then, we can communicate to our partners. Something like “I’m really good at verbal communication unless I get triggered, in which case I will go really quiet and avoid eye contact” can help them understand what to look out for. The worst case scenario is that they check in when you’re blissed out in subspace and you say “I’m all good” and you move on. At least the safety check is in place.

I actually prefer regular check-ins in some scenes, rather than just agreed upon safe words. For example, when I’m topping someone as a sadist I will use a variety of different check-ins to manage the scene – and you can build these into the scene so they are a part of the dynamic:

• Traffic Light Systems: Every few minutes, I will ask my sub “where are you?”, looking for a response that decides my next moves:
  • “red” – we stop the scene
  • “amber” – we pause, reassess and move on or stop
  • “green” – we continue
  • “forest green” – they’re blissed out in pain and don’t need so many check ins so stop asking thank you very much!
• 1-10 Pain Scale: During the negotiation, I will tell my sub that I aim for the scene to build slowly from a 3-4 on the pain scale up to an 8, which I will maintain for some time, aiming to bring them up to a 10 for a few moments, before coming back down and then aftercare. A 10 is the most they can handle while still enjoying the scene. Then, during the scene, I will check in regularly to see how painful sensations are, and use this to shape the scene. This builds excitement during the negotiation; it makes the scene more fun and interactive as I play with sensations and numbers, asking a whimpering sub what number they have; and it gives them control over the scene. They know the story arc of the scene and can control it with just numbers.

As well as these, you may want to come up with other scripts and micro-scripts, including hand signals, to communicate the things you need to communicate in the moment.

Step 3: Embody That Self

All of this – knowing your needs and communicating them – is a part of unmasking.

Unmasking is about embodying your true self; not the palatable self you’ve learned to be.

And it can be impossible for some people to fully unmask all the time. Not without struggling more at work, or losing community support, or even being unsafe.

That makes it even more important to find spaces where you can be your true self. And kink, for many, is the perfect space. It’s chock-full of neurodivergent people, sensory stimulation and explicit communication. People in the scene generally want to know the real you more than anyone else I’ve met.

So take a risk and see if you can unmask.

Start small, with low-stakes scenes and trusted partners. And as you understand yourself more, you can explore unmasking even more. And if it doesn't go perfectly the first time (or the fifth time) that's not failure, that's your nervous system learning what it needs.

Kink Your Way

Kink can be a haven for neurodivergent people; but only if you explore it in a genuine way.

As an AuDHD-er, finding kink has been one of the most genuinely regulating, liberating things I've done for my nervous system. I hope it can be that for you too.

If we learn about ourselves, learn to understand our nervous systems, and learn to understand our communication preferences, we can build a kink lifestyle and community that works for us.

 You can access a curated library of resources here. There is a whole section of neurodiversity resources I personally use!